Ben had not seen the movie Serendipity before, so I borrowed the DVD for him last week. After watching it, he says it's a really nice movie but I think it's just 'cos Kate Beckinsale's in it. Anyway, I'd like to share my two cents' worth about destiny, and how it shouldn't be confused with serendipity.
I'm sure we all have believed in fate, destiny, that kinda stuff, in a hopeless-romantic-kinda-way, at a certain point in our lives. I mean, the fact that every step you take leads you somewhere is pretty idiotically obvious. But where it leads you or where you end up is what makes you believe it's serendipity, destiny, or just plain bad luck.
Like say, your neighbours decide to karaoke at 6 in the morning one day, so you wake up earlier than usual and decide to take the bus to work instead of a cab or the MRT, and on the bus, you meet X, who is, say, a long lost friend. So after this encounter, you keep in touch with X, and later get to know Z through X. Now Z turns out to be this really great girl or guy and you fall in love. So then you say, it's serendipity! We were destined to be together! If my damn neighbours didn't feel the need to kill every Celine Dion song in their karaoke directory that fateful morning, I may never have met Z!
But let's say, Z turns out to be pond scum, spends all your money, tells you you're a fat loser, and cheats on you. Destiny? Uh, I don't think so. You wouldn't even dare say something like, Oh, I was destined to meet Z anyway 'cos my experience with him/her taught me a lesson or two. No! At that point, you're heart-broken and ask yourself, why me?!! Your friends try to comfort you, saying all things happen for a reason, and you think that's the worst piece of crap you've ever heard.
Or let's say, you have all the qualifications necessary but just can't clinch that dream job 'cos that potential employer feels you're just not "white" enough, or you're too young or too old, or they just wanna hire anyone else but you. So you think, that's not destiny, it's just plain bull-crap. Or you have a fight with your boss and quit your job. Then you're left jobless and broke for many months. Now, you wouldn't call that fate 'cos it was you who decided to resign, right?
So then, some of us believe that we decide our own fate. It's in our hands. Or is it, really?
If you actually sketch out a chart of all the people you know... Draw the connections, y'know, like a Friendster or Multiply kinda structure or a family tree, but chronologically. People connected/related to you from as far back as you can remember till now. Not enough space, use mahjong paper or something lah.
Looking at this huge chart, think of every eventful moment in your life and note it down, chronologically too. Like, if that event did not take place, you wouldn't be where you are or who you are right now. If the event links to someone who's on the chart, draw the connection. If the event was of your own doing, circle it in red. If it was an act beyond your control, circle it green.
Now you may realise, that the red circles - what you may not consider "fate" - is connected by or connected to some people or "green" events on your chart. So what the heck does all this waste of time, marker ink and mahjong paper tell you? We can't really decide our fate. We have the power to make important decisions, the will to make significant changes, but it all still leads to someone or something, and that someone or something also had a path of its own, till his/her/its path met yours.
We are all destined to be somewhere, sometime, at some point or phase in our lives. We confuse "destiny" with "serendipity", reserving this term only for romantic stuff, but the good, and the bad, happen whether we like it or not. We may avoid disaster at one point, but encounter it at another. We sometimes come across a fork in the road, and years later, think about the "what ifs" if only we had chosen a different path. Whether you're in the shit right now, or in a very happy place, it's always good to remember that it's destiny that brought you to this very point.
So you made a big mistake which caused you to lose a lot of money, or lose a friend, or a "soulmate", or even a life. Believing in destiny doesn't mean you're not responsible for your mistakes, 'cos you definitely are. You COULD have done things differently. You COULD have said things differently. You COULD have thought twice before taking the plunge. But you DIDN'T. That's destiny.
Now that we're on this subject, here's what I think about "soulmates" too. Some of us don't believe in the "phenomenon" of finding one's soulmate. That soulmates don't exist. So the non-romantic version is that people just settle for someone who has the most "checks" on one's Mr or Ms Right list, and couples just live semi-happily ever after. Or you do meet someone who fits the bill, you're blissfully happy together, but you still don't believe in that fate-destiny-soulmate- all-the-pieces-fit kinda stuff.
Then there are the "soulmate-believers" who desperately search for The One. Now the trouble with this belief is that once you're in your 30s (or 28 for women) and still very, very single and alone, you begin to panic. You dread every Chinese New Year or big family gathering and weddings. You know... Nosey relatives or unknowingly insensitive friends turning to you and going, "So........" You know what question comes next. I remember when I attended my Montessori practical training and the lecturer asked me in front of the whole class, "You're 28, not married, and no boyfriend? Ayo! Poor thing! How come?" And everyone in class gasped and looked at me with pity.
So then you think, shit... Where the hell is my soulmate? Knight in shining armour too busy building a career while studying part-time to attain a bloody degree or Masters just to keep up with the brat-race? Damsels no longer in distress, knights waiting for their knights... What happened to the classic fairytale romance? So you either give up completely, thinking there's no such thing as a soulmate. Or you realise, "Sheila who gave me herpes or Darren who insisted that polygamy rocks was my soulmate and I let him/her slip away! I met my soulmate, The One for me, and I screwed up and now I'll have to settle for second best or just grow old alone."
It's pretty scary to believe in this kinda shit 'cos it messes with you big time. Then, there's the version of destiny-soulmate-romance that I'm most comfortable with. Firstly, we have to define "soulmate". A soulmate, not to be confused with a kindred spirit, refers to someone of the opposite sex, unless you are bisexual or homosexual of course (yes, gays can find gay soulmates too - It's a fair world out there for some). But like a kindred spirit, he/she relates to you in such a way that no one else can. You both share the same level of understanding, tolerance, passion... the list goes on. Everything fits, everything falls into place. It's like you were meant to be together, like two peas in a pod, almost like twins separated at birth except that that sounds a little too incestuous.
So I believe there are people out there who turn out to be one's soulmate. But a soulmate does not necessarily have to be The One you live happily ever after with. You could go through life never meeting one, or you could actually find more than one soulmate. Yes, more than One, so no such thing as The One and only. A soulmate does not have to end up becoming your spouse, or being "the one that got away". You could meet one when you're 20, another when you're 30, another when you're 50...
In the end, it's all about meeting the right one, at the right time. If you look back at past relationships you've had (just the good ones, and if you have a few to look back upon), you may realise that this person was so right for you but it just didn't work out. That doesn't mean that all hope is lost. It just means that you met a right one, but at the wrong time. Perhaps he/she was not ready, or vice versa. Or you get to know someone and the both of you get along so well, like soulmates, but he/she is already taken, or vice versa.
I guess that's why hopeless romantics like me believe that marriage isn't just a Sacrament or official solemnisation. It's not about finding The One and falling head over heels. It's all about destiny. Every step you took, and every step he took, every person you met, and every person he met, every significant moment and decision in each of your lives that spun that messy web all over your mahjong paper till, at that very precise and perfect moment, your paths crossed.
I'm sure we all have believed in fate, destiny, that kinda stuff, in a hopeless-romantic-kinda-way, at a certain point in our lives. I mean, the fact that every step you take leads you somewhere is pretty idiotically obvious. But where it leads you or where you end up is what makes you believe it's serendipity, destiny, or just plain bad luck.
Like say, your neighbours decide to karaoke at 6 in the morning one day, so you wake up earlier than usual and decide to take the bus to work instead of a cab or the MRT, and on the bus, you meet X, who is, say, a long lost friend. So after this encounter, you keep in touch with X, and later get to know Z through X. Now Z turns out to be this really great girl or guy and you fall in love. So then you say, it's serendipity! We were destined to be together! If my damn neighbours didn't feel the need to kill every Celine Dion song in their karaoke directory that fateful morning, I may never have met Z!
But let's say, Z turns out to be pond scum, spends all your money, tells you you're a fat loser, and cheats on you. Destiny? Uh, I don't think so. You wouldn't even dare say something like, Oh, I was destined to meet Z anyway 'cos my experience with him/her taught me a lesson or two. No! At that point, you're heart-broken and ask yourself, why me?!! Your friends try to comfort you, saying all things happen for a reason, and you think that's the worst piece of crap you've ever heard.
Or let's say, you have all the qualifications necessary but just can't clinch that dream job 'cos that potential employer feels you're just not "white" enough, or you're too young or too old, or they just wanna hire anyone else but you. So you think, that's not destiny, it's just plain bull-crap. Or you have a fight with your boss and quit your job. Then you're left jobless and broke for many months. Now, you wouldn't call that fate 'cos it was you who decided to resign, right?
So then, some of us believe that we decide our own fate. It's in our hands. Or is it, really?
If you actually sketch out a chart of all the people you know... Draw the connections, y'know, like a Friendster or Multiply kinda structure or a family tree, but chronologically. People connected/related to you from as far back as you can remember till now. Not enough space, use mahjong paper or something lah.
Looking at this huge chart, think of every eventful moment in your life and note it down, chronologically too. Like, if that event did not take place, you wouldn't be where you are or who you are right now. If the event links to someone who's on the chart, draw the connection. If the event was of your own doing, circle it in red. If it was an act beyond your control, circle it green.
Now you may realise, that the red circles - what you may not consider "fate" - is connected by or connected to some people or "green" events on your chart. So what the heck does all this waste of time, marker ink and mahjong paper tell you? We can't really decide our fate. We have the power to make important decisions, the will to make significant changes, but it all still leads to someone or something, and that someone or something also had a path of its own, till his/her/its path met yours.
We are all destined to be somewhere, sometime, at some point or phase in our lives. We confuse "destiny" with "serendipity", reserving this term only for romantic stuff, but the good, and the bad, happen whether we like it or not. We may avoid disaster at one point, but encounter it at another. We sometimes come across a fork in the road, and years later, think about the "what ifs" if only we had chosen a different path. Whether you're in the shit right now, or in a very happy place, it's always good to remember that it's destiny that brought you to this very point.
So you made a big mistake which caused you to lose a lot of money, or lose a friend, or a "soulmate", or even a life. Believing in destiny doesn't mean you're not responsible for your mistakes, 'cos you definitely are. You COULD have done things differently. You COULD have said things differently. You COULD have thought twice before taking the plunge. But you DIDN'T. That's destiny.
Now that we're on this subject, here's what I think about "soulmates" too. Some of us don't believe in the "phenomenon" of finding one's soulmate. That soulmates don't exist. So the non-romantic version is that people just settle for someone who has the most "checks" on one's Mr or Ms Right list, and couples just live semi-happily ever after. Or you do meet someone who fits the bill, you're blissfully happy together, but you still don't believe in that fate-destiny-soulmate- all-the-pieces-fit kinda stuff.
Then there are the "soulmate-believers" who desperately search for The One. Now the trouble with this belief is that once you're in your 30s (or 28 for women) and still very, very single and alone, you begin to panic. You dread every Chinese New Year or big family gathering and weddings. You know... Nosey relatives or unknowingly insensitive friends turning to you and going, "So........" You know what question comes next. I remember when I attended my Montessori practical training and the lecturer asked me in front of the whole class, "You're 28, not married, and no boyfriend? Ayo! Poor thing! How come?" And everyone in class gasped and looked at me with pity.
So then you think, shit... Where the hell is my soulmate? Knight in shining armour too busy building a career while studying part-time to attain a bloody degree or Masters just to keep up with the brat-race? Damsels no longer in distress, knights waiting for their knights... What happened to the classic fairytale romance? So you either give up completely, thinking there's no such thing as a soulmate. Or you realise, "Sheila who gave me herpes or Darren who insisted that polygamy rocks was my soulmate and I let him/her slip away! I met my soulmate, The One for me, and I screwed up and now I'll have to settle for second best or just grow old alone."
It's pretty scary to believe in this kinda shit 'cos it messes with you big time. Then, there's the version of destiny-soulmate-romance that I'm most comfortable with. Firstly, we have to define "soulmate". A soulmate, not to be confused with a kindred spirit, refers to someone of the opposite sex, unless you are bisexual or homosexual of course (yes, gays can find gay soulmates too - It's a fair world out there for some). But like a kindred spirit, he/she relates to you in such a way that no one else can. You both share the same level of understanding, tolerance, passion... the list goes on. Everything fits, everything falls into place. It's like you were meant to be together, like two peas in a pod, almost like twins separated at birth except that that sounds a little too incestuous.
So I believe there are people out there who turn out to be one's soulmate. But a soulmate does not necessarily have to be The One you live happily ever after with. You could go through life never meeting one, or you could actually find more than one soulmate. Yes, more than One, so no such thing as The One and only. A soulmate does not have to end up becoming your spouse, or being "the one that got away". You could meet one when you're 20, another when you're 30, another when you're 50...
In the end, it's all about meeting the right one, at the right time. If you look back at past relationships you've had (just the good ones, and if you have a few to look back upon), you may realise that this person was so right for you but it just didn't work out. That doesn't mean that all hope is lost. It just means that you met a right one, but at the wrong time. Perhaps he/she was not ready, or vice versa. Or you get to know someone and the both of you get along so well, like soulmates, but he/she is already taken, or vice versa.
I guess that's why hopeless romantics like me believe that marriage isn't just a Sacrament or official solemnisation. It's not about finding The One and falling head over heels. It's all about destiny. Every step you took, and every step he took, every person you met, and every person he met, every significant moment and decision in each of your lives that spun that messy web all over your mahjong paper till, at that very precise and perfect moment, your paths crossed.
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